The Lack of Focus.

I knew I had lacked focus all my life, but I had no idea to what extent that would go.

This journey of writing a research proposal has me on my knees, crying my eyes out, begging my brain to work and move ahead from the ideas that it keeps giving me.

I am full of ideas but have no clue how to put them into words. With no semblance of focus on how to write what I have in my mind, even if I have anything in mind, I am going around in circles.

I have gone through the first five paragraphs, rejecting them all for something else. Unable to prove any idea that comes to mind, and I get back to square one. I am unable to form an opinion or stick to a philosophy. I cannot understand what the critics are trying to say, and I keep going round and round in a circle.

Everyone around me is getting on with their research on a concrete ground while I am still struggling to find cement for my building, yet I am not able to find any product that would hold me and my argument together.

I am forced to realize that maybe this is not for me anymore. I would eventually have to give up my passion and love for literature since my degree relies on this paper, and I would end up without a degree, with my dreams shattered, only because of the paper that I wasn’t able to write.

Sadly, I am a slave of my own brain, which is not able to work, let alone focus on anything. I keep reading and leaving articles, books, journals, and even blogs, just pointlessly wandering from one thing to another.

‘Please focus!’ I keep telling my brain, with no answer or a solution to the mess I have turned into. I can feel the abyss that I am calling out to, making fun of me, laughing at my miserable state with an answer.

Ashamed to say that I don’t even have the work to create a bibliography, let alone know how to make one. I keep trying to find that one string that would lead me to unravel the mess I have thrown myself into.

Even though I have tried to start all over, to no avail. I have taken so many breaks that now I don’t have the time to take any more. I have and am struggling to try to put pieces together, but every time I get somewhere, it all comes tumbling down again.

How do people write research papers and stay so focused while doing it? How do they train their brain to actually take on such a task? Now I understand why the epics were the highest forms of literature and why only a limited people can take on dissertations.

This is not for me. I am giving up. Research and writing a paper is not what I was built for. I just need to pass this course one way or another. Get through life as an average failing student with no distinct recognition. Someone who just struggled to stay afloat yet drowned in the pool of her own miserable state.