The Lack of Focus.

I knew I had lacked focus all my life but I had no idea to what extent that would go.

This journey of writing a research proposal has me on my knees, cringing my eyes out begging my brain to work and move ahead from the ideas that it keeps giving me.

I am full of ideas but have no clue how to put them into words. I have no semblance of focus on how to write what I have in my mind even if I have anything in mind.

I have gone through 5 first paragraphs rejecting them all for something else. I am not able to prove any idea that comes to mind and I get back to square one. I am unable to form an opinion or stick to philosophy. I cannot understand what the critics are trying to say and I keep going round in round in a circle.

Everyone around me is getting on with their research with a concrete ground while I am still struggling to find cement for my building yet I am not able to find any product that would hold me and my argument together.

I am forced to realize that maybe this is not for me anymore. I would eventually have to give up my passion and love for literature since my degree relies on this paper. I would end up without a degree and with my dreams shattered only because of on paper that I wasn’t able to write.

I am a slave of my own brain which is not able to work let alone focus on anything. I keep reading and leaving articles, books, journals, and even blogs just pointlessly wandering from one thing to another.

‘Please focus!’ I keep telling my brain with no answer or a solution to the mess I have turned into. I can feel the abyss that I am calling out to making fun of me, laughing at my miserable state with an answer.

I don’t even have the works to create a bibliography let alone know how to make one. I keep trying to find that one string that would lead me to unravel the mess I have thrown myself into. I have even tried to start all over again but to no avail. I have taken so many breaks that now I don’t have the time to take breaks even. I have and am struggling to try to put pieces together but every time I get somewhere it all comes tumbling down again.

How do people write research papers and stay so focused while doing it? How do they train their brain to actually take on such a task? Now I understand why the epics were the highest forms of literature and why only limited people can take on dissertations.

This is not for me. I am giving up. Research and writing a paper is not what I was built for. I just need to pass this course one way or another and get through life as an average failure student with no distinct recognition who just struggled to stay afloat yet drowned in the pool of her own miserable state.