The fear of sounding all over the place.

Most days, what holds me back from writing and pushing that publish button is the fear of sounding all over the place.

I usually write when I have a lot on my mind. With my thoughts running at the speed of a bullet train, which makes my writing very all over the place. Or maybe that’s just what I feel. Yet it very much holds me back from putting it out for the world to read and judge.

We don’t realize how much our fears, shame, and traumas hold us back from doing the things we love. How much we hold ourselves back just because of others, or because of our cultures, religions, and upbringings.

With every growing day, we are slowly and gradually exposed to all these notions that eventually hold us back from doing the things we love.

From dressing the way we want, to eating, to following our passions. Even choosing a path that might be different from those around us becomes shameful.

As soon as we cross a certain threshold, we are quickly exposed to the ways of the world. It makes us develop all these fears that hold us down like iron shackles. With every shackle accompanied by very heavy anchors attached to them, and it weighs us down.

My fear of sounding all over the place stems from listening to how my writing is not coherent enough for years, as it never seems to follow the high standards of true literature.

My writing always seemed rushed, all over the place, simple, and very not adult like. Which make me wonder why does ‘my’ writing have to be complicated, or ‘flowery’ when it can be simple.

Why make ‘my’ writing seem not like me?

My writing seems all over the place, probably because I am all over the place. It seems messy because my head and my thoughts are a mess. It seems rushed because when I sit to write, I feel this rush of words just pushing each other, ready to be spilled on the page.

My writing is very much me, and I am my writing. It holds a piece of my soul, or maybe many pieces at this point. And just like I am wandering on my journey of self-discovery, my writing too is, hopefully, being developed as it goes.

One word at a time, it will find itself. One day, my writing will not be all over the place. Maybe one day, I too will break free from all my fears, and embrace my being, all over the place, is actually who I am.