Ocean of Emotions.

It’s not easy to deal with emotions. It’s especially not easy on the days when you feel your heart is so full. Full enough that everything is about to tip over.

I have always been someone who felt a little too much, or at least that is what I think. I felt my emotions and the emotions of everyone around me. Maybe that is why I catered to my mother’s emotions pretty much all my life and continue to do so often. I do it for my husband too.

I often feel like if I don’t keep the people keeping me happy and satisfied what use will they have of me. I’ll be an easy discard.

This though is so deeply rooted in my soul that maybe it is too late for me to cut it out since it’s pretty much a part of me, part of my identity, part of who I am.

It is because of this and maybe a thousand other reasons that I slowly and gradually start developing resentment towards the people I love. I forget that loving someone requires sacrifice, somedays a little too much sacrifice.

The resentment starts eating away the love, it starts making me angry. Oh so angry! Angry at myself, angry at the people I love, and angry at the whole world around me.

And that’s when the distance comes in. I distance myself.

I don’t want anyone to see my emotions tipping over. Oh no, never. I may be emotional, but never vulnerable. I would hate to see someone, literally anyone see me not at my very best. That just won’t do. I have standards of myself to uphold.

It surely is difficult. The drowning and learning to swim in the vast ocean of emotions where the sharks of anger are right at your toes, and octopuses of resentment are creeping up on you with their soul-sucking tentacles.

It’s not easy to keep swimming and choosing to dive into the ocean but you got to do it. You have to keep swimming. You need to learn to swim harder, navigate better, and maybe build yourself a raft from the driftwood you may find or maybe from the rubble of your past tries of conquering the ocean.

All in all, one thing is for sure.

You need to choose love every single day. You need to choose love not for anyone else but for you. Always for you. Even when the said love is a shitty thorn stuck in your foot, annoying the fuck out of you and hurting you.

It gets better. The thorn gets unstuck and you …

Well, you love again.