LEARNING TO BE ALONE.

Learning to be alone is a funny thing. More so when all my life I have been surrounded by people. People who love me, people who have been family, and people who are friends.

Yet this feeling of being alone and emptiness has been forever my companion.

I tried to fill it. Filled with good, bad, and lukewarm relationships.

I chased love trying not to be alone like a drug addict who chases their next hit. In the process hurt myself and those around me. Even now at this point of adult life, I have no clue how to be alone.

I struggle when I am alone. A darkness seems to creep in making me question who I am if not for the people who surround me. If not for the expectations of others, and pleasing the people I love, who am I and what am I supposed to do?

Despite this existential struggle, I find myself wanting to be alone, and letting the loneliness sink in.

What a paradox life is. Anyhow.

At the peak of my adulthood, I am learning how to be alone, for this feeling is not going anywhere. Like an addict in rehab, my skin and soul itch to fill the void I feel inside, to surround myself with people, with toxicity, with anything that would just not make me feel so lonely.

But sadly, a big part of me runs away from people, from the expectations and hopes they come to me with, which makes me wonder if being lonely is what my soul truly desires, and if filling this void is just a bad habit that I have developed.

Nowadays, I often sit and wonder what it might be like to be alone.

What it would be like to break free from all the people who surround me, break free from all the expectations, break free from all the criticism, and break free from the void that is inside me.

Now I want to sit and relish being alone. I want to stop being so scared of being alone, being abandoned, being left behind. And it’s definitely not easy.

For now, I believe that loneliness does not always have to be the darkness. It can very much be the time to light your favorite lamp for yourself and sit with a cup of tea, enjoying you, yourself and your company.

So here I am, learning to be alone, one day at a time. Learning to survive alone, be happy alone, find joy in being alone, and relish in the loneliness that has forever accompanied me in every crowd.