Being Needed.

Being the eldest in a family really takes a toll on the person who is taking the said role. Or maybe that’s me, overthinking again.

Being the eldest of my clan, I have been overwhelmed with the feeling of being needed at every single place at every second of the day.

I remember not having a second to myself. A fact that used to get to me so much.

I wanted me-time, a little bit of privacy, and a little bit of space, but now that I have grown up, the tables have turned.

Now I tend to feel like shit when I have time for myself. I end up overthinking and feeling useless and insignificant.

On the day when I am busy, needed by people, and everyone around me needs my help, I feel better. I feel like I have some sense of belonging, and I feel significant.

But then there are days when I am so tired that I need time for myself and am not getting it at all. No matter how frustrated that situation makes me I push myself and manage it all.

Despite my need for time for myself the need of being needed trumps it all.

I know that is too much ‘need’ in one sentence. It makes me sound clingier and desperate than I usually am.

But the truth is, I need the feeling of being needed to stay afloat.

I love how my significant other needs me all the time. with how my siblings flock around me. I am honored by how my parents look up to me as a support. My mother, especially for whom I am the support she needs in my life after my father.

I feel content and satiable in knowing how I matter and play a small role in keeping everyone’s lives together and hate the feeling when I am not needed anymore. I hate feeling insignificant and not needed.

Maybe that is why in the past years, I realized my friends didn’t need me as much. My siblings were growing up and didn’t need me while my parents had their hands full with other things in life.

I started looking at other places where I was needed.

I started looking for people who were broken. People I could help. With what little I had or maybe lend a shoulder to. It was all to fix them even a bit so that they would just smile a little because of me and want to live again since I was there and that is why maybe I threw myself into relationship after relationship.

And I ended up meeting people who actually needed me and then walked away all by myself when my work there was done and they didn’t need me anymore.

I think maybe God, meant to make me a guardian angel of some sort, but I got mixed with the humans.

Or that is my ‘human brain’ going on with the false sense of superiority all over again.

Whatever it is, all I know is that I need the feeling of being needed in my life like we all need air to be alive.

Like an addict, I need the feeling of being needed to stay stable and not go down a dark path. I need that feeling to stay human (if anyone ever finds out what that means).

I need to be needed to be alive.